For the past couple weeks, I have been feeling fairly chaotic internally. Pretty sure it must show up externally. Today I insisted that the chaos end, that a shift be made. A shift into this life that I dream of–writing, illustrating, a speaker of Verbal Remedies, earning a living doing it. Each month for the last few, since Markus died, my monetary world has been growing smaller. This month I have a little less than last to pay my bills. I remind myself fairly quickly that I am blessed in so many ways, which doesn’t allow me to grieve the life that I have wished for that has yet to show up. So what else is there to do but stop hoping for it? Let it go. Let go of the dream as I have dreamed it and let it come to me as the world has dreamed it. And hope the world knows what it’s doing.
Tune in next time to see if shift happens and Breah can really let go…dum de dum dum dahhhhhhh! Cut to commercial.
There is a lot to be grateful for at this moment. My 80 year old mother is getting engaged to be married tonight. The weather is perfect for my liking. I just practiced yoga that was blissful. And then I come home to my sweet little house in West Asheville and grow sad that I am still alone in my life in terms of partnership. It’s been 10 years since I divorced with the clear intention of remarrying within a year…which seemed like a long time to me at the time. In the 10 years since, I have not been in even one romantic partnership. Oh, I have loved for sure. But no one has said yes to me. As I write that sentence my heart swells and sinks to my stomach. I wonder if this is the never ending story of my life – to be so ready, so available, so desirous of living my life with a man who is my best friend and lover…and never have it come to me. Dear God, that cannot be. The pain of that thought is too much for me to sustain and so I move quickly to the things that I do have in my life that I am most grateful to be blessed with…
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We should come with some kind of guide book, though that would do little good since we can hardly see and can’t read for several years. By that time a whole bunch of damage can be and usually is done. However… It is never too late to have a happy childhood. Doesn’t matter what age you are. Decide today that you are just fine just as you are. And here’s the important part. Believe it. Because you are.
The key is forgiveness and appreciation for it all, even the stuff that you might think was completely unnecessary. It brought you to this moment. All of it. And because you are alive, it is a good moment. Life is good.
This morning I wake to sunshine and birds chirping after several days of dark skies and the sound of rain. I love the rain and I love the sunshine. I also wake to the commitment I made over the weekend that today I start a body cleanse. That means juicing, no solid food for days. There is a voice inside that is telling me as loudly as I will let it speak that I will not make it…again. I’ve attempted juicing and fasting and normally don’t make it past lunchtime, giving in to the voice that says I can’t. “It’s too hard. What are you doing this for? To get skinny? To attract a man? What makes you think that when you’re thinner it’ll be any different? Might as well eat…”
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