There is a lot to be grateful for at this moment. My 80 year old mother is getting engaged to be married tonight. The weather is perfect for my liking. I just practiced yoga that was blissful. And then I come home to my sweet little house in West Asheville and grow sad that I am still alone in my life in terms of partnership. It’s been 10 years since I divorced with the clear intention of remarrying within a year…which seemed like a long time to me at the time. In the 10 years since, I have not been in even one romantic partnership. Oh, I have loved for sure. But no one has said yes to me. As I write that sentence my heart swells and sinks to my stomach. I wonder if this is the never ending story of my life – to be so ready, so available, so desirous of living my life with a man who is my best friend and lover…and never have it come to me. Dear God, that cannot be. The pain of that thought is too much for me to sustain and so I move quickly to the things that I do have in my life that I am most grateful to be blessed with…

My relationship with my mother is the latest gift. A few weeks ago I answered her Skype call to the sound of her saying loudly and with conviction “Oh my God, you look like hell!” I was stunned. I was on my way out the door, ready to face my world, feeling just fine with myself. She said it again. “You do. You look like hell!” To add insult to injury, there was a computer technician sitting at her desk. I said “Well, I guess my mother thinks I look like hell. I’m gonna go now.” And I clicked off-line.

Phew. I sat there breathing, knowing she did not or could not have meant to hurt me. She loves me, right? Within a short time Mom began Skyping me, calling my cell. I let them all ring for a couple days until I knew what to do. I wrote her an email and let her know without animosity that was not appropriate for me. Within hours, she left a voicemail and wrote an email profusely apologizing for what she said. That may not seem like much to you but to me that was a gift of my entire lifetime. I don’t remember a single time my mother ever said she was sorry to me for anything…and in my mind there’s been a ton of stuff she could’ve and should’ve apologized for. I said a prayer of amazed thanks to whatever it was that supported that to happen because it has changed my life and my relationship with my mother.

Immediately afterward I spent 5 days with her at my brother’s house in Austin. We flew together from Atlanta and returned together to Atlanta. I enjoyed every minute I had with her. I particularly enjoyed her girlish happiness at the thought of being in love and engaged to be married. She had called this year her “swan song” and I truly think she believed she would die this year. The only thing about her that died is that wall she had built up around her heart that kept her safe from loving and being loved. Hooray!

I Skyped with her today and saw this woman who is so very happy and I cried. I fill up with tears at the thought right now. My mother is deliciously happy and in love. The man she loves decided she was his “the one” last December and up until 3 weeks ago Mom considered Russ “too nice”. Today she described him as differently. She described him with the love that is growing inside her for him. I feel so much gratitude that my mother is now looking at life through very different eyes. She is looking with eyes of love.

Ahhhhmen.