Today is the 1 year anniversary of Markus’ death. We celebrated him yesterday at Anna’s, gathering some of the people who were at the core of the grief last year. Anniversary and celebration…hardly 2 words that feel completely appropriate in light of the subject. And yet they are appropriate with a big helping of sadness on the side. It’s taken me all this time to get it that he is not coming back. That his life is over. Where is he? What is he? Does he still exist outside of our own hearts and minds, photos and video? My quick answer is yes. I hope that is so.

And what if the answer is no? What if there is no individual existence after this life? How does that change how we live? For me it changes nothing, other than to continue getting as much out of being alive as possible. Appreciating everything. Every last bit of it is a blessing, even the times when it feels like our hearts are breaking. Maybe even especially then because we get to feel our humanity deeply. It is not our hearts that are breaking. It is the walls we have constructed around them so we do not feel. When those walls break, we feel and we learn. And we appreciate.