I’ve been waiting to write again until I could write something that would be uplifting, out of my pain of the death of my friend and housemate 2 weeks ago nearly to the hour as I write. The phone call at 9 am on Sunday morning from his ex telling me that he’d finally and unretrievably given up on life was like a wrecking ball slamming into my heart. The roller coaster of emotions that ensued does not stop. I wake this morning in pain, screaming at him for what he did.

Several times over the last 10 years of being single I have felt the great black hole in my stomach of being alone, wishing for that man to come into my life, wondering if he ever will and fearful that he doesn’t exist. In those times of thinking that I would be alone for the rest of time and that I would not be able to manage my life without a man at my side, I thought about doing what Markus did. I’d go over in my mind what might be the most painless way and then my children’s faces would come squarely to mind. And I knew that I could never do it. I knew that I had still a glimmer of hope that things would change.

And they did. As they do. Still no romance, no partnering up with someone to share my deepest emotions, thoughts, my most exhuberant me. It’s not okay. I want that. I wish for that. I cry for that.

Another Valentine’s day gone by and I have survived it. My afternoon was spent with Markus 5 year old daughter, making valentines for her and my grandchildren. In the evening I went to the movies with a friend who had a date later…we saw He’s Just Not That Into You. No shit.

What do I do with all of this? All this raw emotion, all this anger, all this sadness, all this joy that wants to be expressed? I sit with my laptop on my couch on a Sunday morning, dogs at my feet quiet so as not to provoke me somehow. They know I imagine. They know that I am on the edge.

I reread what I’ve written thus far and know I cannot stay in this angst. I have to move through it without walling up my broken heart once more. I understand a broken heart now…deeply. That wrecking ball that smashed the wall I’d built around my heart took care of any questions I might have about what that is. All my life I’ve kept my heart safely tucked within a fortress, hiding when I felt expressing my love for someone or something would put me in jeopardy. Afraid if I showed even myself what I was feeling that I might be rejected, hurt to an unsurvivable point.

Over this past decade of being kicking and screamingly single, I’ve learned a lot about me, about life…enough to know that I don’t have all the answers to it. Maybe only made a dent in what there is to know. I know enough that no matter what my situation, there is a lot to love here. A ton of things to put my attention on that creates wonder. I understand wonder and wish for more and intend for more. Markus showed me the finality and shortsightedness in ending such a gift prematurely.