Maybe you have noticed that I have been having difficulty writing every day for the last few weeks. Apparently I am in resistance to digging a little further into the truth. In these early weeks of 2010 I seem to be having an identity crisis. Who am I? Am I the person I think I am? When someone asks me what do I do, I respond with a clutch in my throat that I am an artist, a writer, a teacher, and finally that I make my living through graphic design. And I wait for some sort of etheric affirmation that doesn’t come clearly enough for me to believe I am right. And then how could I not be? The measure seems to be where does the money come from. I can only settle into the last part of the statement, making my living through graphic design. Kind of my blessed little fall back since I haven’t been able to slug through creating my living through what I believe is my purpose, my calling. And so I write my blog, I illustrate Verbal Remedies and post them, and offer them for sale. Hoping something sticks well enough to create traction. What does traction look like? Traction is the number of readers of this blog growing exponentially, sales of the product line taking off and supporting me, teaching gigs at least once a month, having a consistent partner to work with daily. “Where two or more are gathered, amazing things begin…”

On a personal level, traction means having a best friend. I don’t. I have many friends and no one person in particular. I live a life alone, leaping at the opportunity to connect deeply when it shows up. And perhaps that is why I am misunderstood. My dogs are probably the perfect metaphor to show me how others who do not deeply know me see me. When someone comes to the house, both Molly and Chloe are overly exuberant. As Amy says, they exuberate. They are so excited to have new in their life they actually scare people away from getting to know them. It takes a few minutes, maybe 10, for them to calm down enough to be able to see them…if the person has stayed long enough.

A couple days ago I wrote to a friend asking him to be the first guest on the upcoming podcasts. I exuberated, asking in a humorous way that didn’t play out through the email, not just to him but to my podcast partner. Both of them are new friends and the metaphor of Molly and Chloe is in action and it seems they are looking at me like a wild thing who has no respect for boundaries…I’m guessing. I don’t know. Both are lovely people and both responded very differently than the intention of my writing and I was quietly shocked and hurt by what came back. I am the common denominator. They are attempting to understand through my exuberation and see what they think is showing up, seeing through that lens. What I know is that it is a misperception and I don’t know what to do about that. It’s not easy to see someone if you are looking for someone else.

The feeling that comes up is to run away. Find somewhere to hide and I cannot. As the song goes, I gotta be me. And that scares people away that don’t stay long enough to know I settle down when I feel safe. So I will stick around myself and hope they will too. In the meantime I dig further into this being aloneness. Accept it. Know that there are many people surrounding me, filling up my vision and my heart. It’s my work to reach out and touch them myself…slowly. Waiting for mutual reaching. Apparently this is my path for this moment in time. Taking one day at a time. One connection at a time.