Tomorrow I am flying to Phoenix to be in a film that is being shot in the Arizona prison, Tent City. The film is about being arrested and charged with a DUI. In Arizona, there is no way out once arrested. You are going to jail and your life will never be the same. I know, not firsthand but second hand. Two people very close to me have been charged with a DUI, a year apart. I spoke with both of them as they went in, during the days when they were given opportunity to call out, and afterward. One of the things that has come out of these experiences is this movie.
As I head into this experience, I am aware of the fear that rises up in me… Lots of thoughts roll around in my head in my quiet moments, like when I am lying in bed attempting to go to sleep. Rather than get caught in the thoughts, I have learned to witness them. Let them roll right on and then out, as much as they will. This is a new way of being for me. In the past, I have resisted the thought and in the resistance been held prisoner of the thought. The more I resisted, the bigger the thought and then pretty soon it became I black hole I got sucked into. Down the rabbit hole. I’ve learned through wear and tear. Live and learn. Notice the thought and let it go. Breathing through it as it brings up whatever it carries along with it.
Last night I experienced an old feeling of being left out. I had told a dear friend as I left her on Thursday to remember me this weekend if any plans show up…it being Valentine’s weekend and all. I didn’t hear from her until yesterday when I got an email that told me of all the fun she and a group of mutual friends had both Saturday and Sunday. My stomach felt punched and I noticed. Couldn’t help it. Immediately I went to the thought of not being wanted, or thought of. Instead of going with those emotions that began to niggle up in my face, I looked at it and asked if all that was true. I explored it, felt it and amazingly it floated on down the stream of thought. The freedom I then experienced allowed me to have a conversation with my friend and ask about the weekend without laying a guilt trip on her, without playing a victim. And I got to hear about the fun and enjoyed it with her for a moment.
And somehow this ties in with yesterday’s thought of “Agreement coming to those who seek it.” There is a practice positive aspect to that thought, a freedom to that thought. There is an allowing inherent in that thought of other points of view.
So…ramble, ramble. Gotta get to work and move into this day. The sun is shining. There are little crystals of snow falling and catching the light. Beautiful.