Dare I write this in my blog? Write what I am feeling today? The ick?

I woke up with the knowing that I had better take care of my bills today, pretty sure that I had more than enough in my account to take care of March. Well, I don’t. At first I gasped, then pulled myself together, gettin a grip. That didn’t last for long as a friend called and asked how I was doing. Boom, blam, splat, sniff, cough. Sob. What the h-e-double hockey sticks? Haven’t I been doing what I have felt I needed to do? Haven’t I been a good girl, God?

I guess I can stop that kind of thinking. Not doing me much good. My nose is sore from blowing. My eyes feel kinda poofy, probably are. And still I managed to get a sign designed for my daughter’s biz and get off a couple product proposals to a catalog. And dampen another friend’s shoulder. Geez. I have done enough of that lately. And not enough apparently because there still seems to be more. What is the loss of Markus and what is the loss of income? Or is it both entertwined so that my heart feels like someone is wringing it out?

Then of course I go to the place of what I do have. I do have great love in my life with the people who are in it. I live in a sweet little house, drive a nice car, have great health (other than my current emotional state). I saw Slumdog Millionaire. I have nothing to cry about in comparison. My life has been quite blessed. And yet I feel frightened, angry, sad, guilty, and yes, I feel hopeful too.

I feel hopeful. Am I nuts? Just one look around the internet and a normal person might wonder what there is to be hopeful about. Crazily I can see a lot. We have elected a president who talks as a real person, has a real family, understands real people. There is a portrayal of everything being in the toilet and yet I cannot believe that. How can it all be in the toilet? Isn’t it scientific that when something is down, something else is up? Seesaw.

So where is the up? It’s in the wide grin of my granddaughter, the recognition of my other granddaughter via iChat, the huge Leonine energy of my grandson, the love and acceptance as “GG” of my stepgrandchildren. It’s in the daffodil that is about the bloom in my front yard. It is my dog asleep on a couch she isn’t supposed to be on. It’s the laughter of Markus’ daughter. It’s going to see Michael Franti tonight. It is the warmth of the sun shining through my window, the cardinal that seems to be making a nest under it. That would be a good start.